


Since I Was 7

by whattomwants



Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Complicated Relationships, Drama & Romance, F/M, Family Secrets, Mental Anguish, Requited Love, Secret Marriage, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-22 22:30:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4852973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whattomwants/pseuds/whattomwants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom met Annie when he was 7 years old and he fell in love with her instantly. They married young and expected their lives to follow a normal path, but after a devastating event things would never be the same. Their lives are sent into a downward spiral filled with unimaginable pain, but with pain comes healing and Tom can only hope it isn't too late to fix a relationship that seems damaged beyond repair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 1

_Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones_ “Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.” Those words never rang more true. He had read them over and over again each time feeling more and more uncertain. What was he doing with his life? What was he really doing with it? Rolling onto his side, he stared at the naked woman lying next to him her breasts rising with every breath she took. She should have been enough, she wanted to be enough, but she never would be. The rain tapped lightly against the window only increasing his need to see “her.” He gently slid out of the bed the covers slithered off his body as he slinked down onto the floor. Reaching out he grabbed his clothes strewn across the floor. Bit by bit he put them on tiptoeing out the door and down the stairs. He didn’t look back as he exited his home, locked the door behind him, got into his car, and drove out of the city.

His destination was only an hour from where he was living in the quiet English countryside. Every time he pulled up to the pristine white cottage with its green shutters and thatched roof he thought _this is where I should be living,_ but life got in the way. He stepped out of the car and slammed the door. As he approached the entrance, the lights in the kitchen went on. She knew he was here. A smile crossed his face the idea of her made him immensely happy. The front door opened and there she stood barely visible in the dark night.

“I hate it when you just show up like this Tom. I always think you’re a burglar coming to break into my home.”

“Our home.” He smiled his heart pounding beneath his rib cage.

Not another word was said between them that night as she happily invited him in. It wasn’t known yet just how long he would be staying with her. Sometimes it was just for the night, sometimes it was for a few weeks. By morning the two of them still hadn’t spoken since he walked in the front door for it was always awkward after a night of passionate sex. Tom reached around her grabbing his cup of tea before settling down at the breakfast table. He never took his eyes off her. She flitted about the kitchen wearing his t-shirt. It consumed her small 5’3 frame, but he had to admit she looked better in it than he did.

“Were you surprised to see me?”

The sound of his voice startled her somewhat. “Hmm…yes and no.”

“No?”

She spun around a plate of toast in her hand a cup of tea in the other. “No.” Taking a seat across from him, she put her plate and cup down in front of her. “You’re my husband why should I be surprised to see you?”

“I haven’t been here in over 2 months.”

“That’s your choice.”

She was Tom’s best kept secret. No one other than close family and a few friends from his Cambridge days even knew about her. Annie was the love of Tom’s life though it hardly seemed so. He would come and go as he pleased that was simply how their relationship worked. Staring down at her hand he noticed a particular piece of jewelry was missing.

“When did you stop wearing your wedding ring?”

She shrugged her shoulders the shirt slipping down slightly. “About a year ago you’re not as observant as I thought you were.”

“I don’t like that. Where is it anyways?”

“In the jewelry box you got me for our first wedding anniversary.” She stirred her tea and he went back to his breakfast. Annie could see he was fuming on the inside and he wasn’t the only one.

“I don’t care if you don’t like it.” She scoffed the very idea that he would even say such a thing drove her up the wall. “You haven’t worn your ring since you were 28! That was six fucking years ago! If anyone should be chastised for not wearing their wedding ring which is supposed to be a symbol of commitment and love it’s you.”

There was nothing he could say she was right. The moment he was cast as Loki the ring came off and he left for good. This was not how things were supposed to be. They should have been living together, happily married, with a brood of children running and playing in the house. Instead, they were two very bitter individuals who loved each other and couldn’t let go. Annie calmed down enough to suggest they leave the house. They both needed the fresh air. The town outside their home was filled with antique stores, a pub that Tom frequented after the incident that tore them apart, stores for everyday necessities, and a small café at the end of the road. It was charming and he sometimes wondered why he ever left. No one bothered him when he was visiting her. No one cared who he was.

They stepped inside a small antique store one that was very familiar to them both. The owner called out the sound of him shuffling his feet echoed off the brick walls. He rounded the corner eyeglasses in hand.

“Can I help you?” He asked putting his spectacles on tucking the round pieces behind his ears.

“I heard you got some new books in Mr. Stover.” Annie smiled.

“I did indeed.” He glanced up and was amused to see the man standing next to her. “Is that Tom?”

“It is.” Tom chuckled. “How have you been? How’s your wife?”

“Dead.” Mr. Stover replied with a blank expression on his face leaving Tom feeling uncomfortable. “Anyways it’s always so nice seeing you two together. I tell you what, pick out any two books you like and I will let you have them free of charge.”

“Mr. Stover we can’t…” He cut Annie off insisting they do as they’re told. There was no more arguing as they set off to the back of the store.

“I forgot how much I love this place. The smell of old books is titillating.”

“Basically what you’re saying is old books make you horny.”

“Precisely.” Tom looked out into the store as Mr. Stover walked out of sight. “I think he’s gone to have his afternoon tea. It will take him at least 15 minutes to finish it maybe more.”

There was no protesting when he was in the mood and honestly, Annie didn’t want to. He had her pressed against the bookshelves within a matter of minutes, her jeans, and panties down around her thighs his hard cock driving into her. Their noises were masked by the sounds of the shelves rattling loudly his movements growing faster.

“Tom we’re going to make the books fall off.” She said with a breathless moan trying her best to keep herself steady.

“I’ve got my dick buried inside of your cunt do you think I care about that right now?”

“Hurry up he’s going to come back soon.”

Tom came a few seconds later just as Mr. Stover was returning to check on them.

“Everything alright? I heard a lot of noise…”

“We were just shuffling through everything making sure we got the books we wanted.”

Mr. Stover lifted his eyebrow. “Is it hot in here? You’re both sweating like mad.”

“Um…just a bit. It’s always hotter in the back of the store don’t you think?” Tom hoped this response would be enough to kill any more questions the old man had.

“Quite right. Now did you find what you wanted?”

“Actually…”

Annie interrupted her husband. “He’ll take this one.” She handed a confused Tom the book she had just pulled out.

“I don’t want this.”

“Trust me you do.”

He rolled his eyes and stared down at the item in his hand. Its cover was a dark green with an intricate gold design around the edges. He flipped it over to glance at its binding and upon reading the title his heart skipped a beat. It couldn’t be. There were only 500 copies ever made. Opening it up his suspicion was confirmed.

“This is a Kelmscott Press first edition of The Poems of William Shakespeare. Do you know how rare this is? It’s got to be worth at least…” She kicked him in his shin. “What the hell was that for?”

“We’ll take it.” Annie smirked before collecting her own book. “I want this one.”

Mr. Stover took it from her smiling as he noted the title. “Jane Eyre. Always a good read.”

The two headed outside books in hand Tom was still in awe at what he held in his.

“This has to be worth at least five grand.”

“I know which is why I kicked you. If Mr. Stover knew that he wouldn’t have let you just walk out with it.”

“Then I thank you for kicking me.”

The two returned to the cottage Tom was eager to continue their “sexcapades.” Annie tried to warn him as they went at it for the second time that day, but before she could, his tongue was down her throat. Tom had her legs pinned to the bed a heavy orgasm building inside of him. A knock came at the door and Annie was quick to push him away.

“Are you fucking serious? The door can wait!”

“No it can’t trust me.” She crawled out of the bed grabbing her jeans that laid in a heap on the floor. “I’m coming!”

“YOU WERE ABOUT TO!” Tom shouted.

Annie rolled her eyes and opened the door. “Diana.” She grinned tucking her hair behind her ears. “You’re early.”

Her mother in law squinted in disapproval. “I saw his car parked outside. You aren’t fooling me.”

“Who is it?” Tom descended the stairs with his pants undone. The moment he caught sight of his mother he wanted nothing more than to disappear.

“Ann Marie can you please go and make me a cup of tea? I need to speak to my son in private.”

When Diana used your full name, you knew it was serious. Tom zipped his pants up and stood in front of his mother who swiftly slapped him in the face.

“What the fuck?”

She slapped him again. “That one was for cursing! Now sit down!” He did as she instructed the side of his face stinging. “What are you doing? Why can’t you just leave the poor girl alone?”

“I’m spending the week with my wife.”

“I can see that. You spend a week with her and then you take off.”

“Sometimes I stay longer.”

“This isn’t a joke. Why don’t you two just get divorced I don’t understand?”

“I don’t want to get a divorce.”

“Well it isn’t all about you. She clearly wants one after all she did send you divorce papers a few years back. If I remember correctly she dropped it because you wouldn’t sign them.”

“Why can’t you just accept the fact that this is how our relationship is?”

“Because this isn’t how it’s meant to be. You two were so happy until Grace…”

“Don’t you fucking…” She raised her hand to slap him again and was startled when he grabbed her wrist. “You listen to me. Don’t you dare. I don’t want to talk about her. Ok?”

Diana looked at his face and she could see the pain. “You need to speak to someone about it. You can’t just keep it all bottled up.”

Tom had enough. He released her and got to his feet running back up the stairs. Annie walked into the sitting room a cup of tea in her hand. The two watched as he came down and bolted out the front door slamming it so hard the pictures on the wall almost fell off their nails. The sound of screeching tires could be heard outside and Annie watched from the window as Tom left.

“I don’t know what is wrong with that boy." Annie handed her mother-in-law the tea and turned around heading for the coat rack. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to go get him.” She replied grabbing her jacket and putting it on. “You’ll be back next Tuesday you always come by. He needs me right now.”

“Has he ever gone to see her?”

Annie shook her head. “No. It’s like they say “time heals all wounds.” It’s just not time for him yet. It really affected him.”

“I know. I just wish he would open up to someone.”

“He will, but not now.”

Tom sat in the café a steaming hot cup of coffee staring him in the face. Just hearing her name still stirred up a pain with such intensity it felt as if his heart would physically break. He grabbed the hot cup in his hand the name Grace rotating heavily in his mind. His legs and hands were shaking uncontrollably and it took more effort than usual just to get the brim of the cup against his lips. He took a sip taking a deep breath as the hot liquid ran down his throat.

“Tom?” Annie pulled out the chair across from him taking a seat dropping her handbag on the floor beside her. “I tried to tell you she was coming.”

“It’s fine. I just wasn’t expecting her to bring that up. I don’t care if she talks about why we’re not divorced, but the other thing I can’t handle.”

“I know. That’s why I never say anything.” She could see he was still riled up a bit, as he took another sip dribbling some of the coffee onto his shirt. “Tom…” He looked at her his blue eyes holding so much emotion in them. “…I need you to help me pick up the Zest tomorrow.”

That was the perfect distraction. “You still have the Zest? Holy shit that car is over 10 years old.”

“We have so many good memories in that car.”

“Lots of attempted sex that didn’t go very well.”

“I rolled the windows down to give you more room.”

“And I appreciated that.” The two smiled at each other. “Also a lot of singing.”

“Really bad singing.”

“I’ll have you know I have improved dramatically. Why do you really still have it?”

Annie sighed. “Because like our marriage I just can’t let it go.”


	2. Day 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom and Annie take the Zest for a drive ending up at the lake where they spent their summers together. Annie asks Tom if he remembers what he told her when they were 7 and upon him unable to tell her they take a trip down memory lane to when they met for the first time.

Tom stood there in the pitch-black darkness his hands cold and clammy. He had been here before. There was no way out no matter how hard he tried to find one. This was the same dream that reoccurred every time he came to see Annie. Perhaps it was because Grace weighed so heavily on his mind. He listened as a low guttural growl echoed around him. Tom stood completely still his breath ragged in fear. A shiver ran down his spine consumed by the cold that surrounded him. Two black hands wrapped themselves around his neck and squeezed his breath out of him. He struggled to free himself feeling his life slip away. Just as his heart stopped beating, he awoke from the horrible nightmare.

Tom gasped for air shooting up in the bed his eyes taking a while to adjust. Glancing at the clock that sat on the nightstand, he took note of the time. The dream always came at 2:57 in the morning. Throwing the sheets off he placed his feet on the floor and tried to stand only to fall back onto the bed. He tried again using the nightstand to keep his balance. He slowly descended the staircase turning the corner entering the kitchen. Leaning over he turned on the sink dipping his hands under the running water and splashing it on his face.

“Are you ok?” Annie asked still shaken up by the entire ordeal. “Tom?” She reached out and touched his forearm only to have him yank it away.

“Just leave me alone. Please.”

Annie tried to go back to bed, but it was impossible. She laid there the sound of Tom trying to breathe frightened her it always did no matter how many times she heard it. She understood what was happening and realized his pain went deeper than any of them could ever imagine. What he portrayed on the surface was nothing compared to his internal struggle. She closed her eyes her head sinking into her pillow.

“Wake up.”

“What?”

Tom threw the curtains open the sun nowhere to be seen. “I want to get out of the house. I’ve been eager to take the Zest out for a drive.”

“You drove the Zest yesterday.”

“I don’t consider driving it from the repair shop to the house a real thing. Now come on.”

He slapped her hip a small shriek of surprise erupting from her throat. Annie was ready in under 5 minutes eager to know where they were going. As they headed out of town, the environment became familiar to her. Tom sang as they drove having gotten quite good thanks to a previous movie role.

“My love, we've had one hell of a time and we've got over our crying. And we've come out of this fine…”

“Who sings this?” Annie asked.

“It’s Arlo Guthrie.” Tom replied.

“I like it.” Annie smiled.

Tom turned onto the dirt road stopping at the edge of the property. The owners did very little to protect it and it was easy for the two of them to slip through the partially opened gate. This wasn’t the first time they had broken into this place and it wouldn’t be the last. They headed down to the lake memories of summers past whirling around in their heads.

“I haven’t been here in years.”

“I come out here every now and then.” Annie sat down in the grass.

Tom followed suit stretching his long legs out and leaning back on his elbows. “The lake looks a lot more disease infested than I remember.”

“I think the owner died a while back.” Annie ran her hands across the legs of her jeans. “Do you remember what you told me when we were 7?”

Was she being serious? That was almost 30 years ago. She was expecting an answer and he knew she wouldn’t like the one he was about to give.

“I said a lot of things when I was 7. You can’t possibly expect me to remember something I told you back in 1988.” He watched her face fall in disappointment. “Fine…um…was it the time I told you that I had looked up your skirt while you and your sister were climbing that tree in our backyard?”

“No.” She replied sternly. “God you’re such a fucking arsehole.”

“You asked and I told you I didn’t remember.”

“Do you even remember meeting me?”

He stared at her squinting his eyes in disapproval of her question. “Yes I remember meeting you. How could I not? You and your sister practically forced yourselves on us.”

“Ha…ha…ha!” She replied sarcastically.

It was the summer of 1988. Tom and his older sister Sarah were trying to find ways to liven the boring day. Their parents had gone out for the afternoon leaving them with a new rather dull nanny. She was far too consumed with taking care of their younger sister Emma that she had little time to entertain them. They attempted to make a tire swing only to realize they didn’t have any tires. Then they thought of making a tent in the backyard, but mum would be furious if they dirtied her crisp white linens.

“Let’s have a tea party.”

Tom gagged. You would think at 9 years old she would have grown out of such a thing, but tea parties were her specialty. She raced inside with Tom walking slowly behind her. They gathered the table and chairs setting them up in the middle of the yard. Sarah draped a bright yellow tablecloth over the top before setting up the cups and saucers.

“Now we need costumes.” Sarah exclaimed making sure everything was in the proper place.

“Can we skip the costumes? You always make me look silly.”

“Tom we can’t have a tea party without costumes! Now I promise I won’t make you look ridiculous!”

Tom sat there a scowl perched on his face the feathers from his bright pink boa tickling his chin. “I have never seen a man wearing a top hat and whatever this thing is.”

“It gives you character! Now shush!” She grabbed the teapot and Tom could smell its contents from where he was sitting. “Don’t say it.”

“That is apple juice.”

“We’re out of tea.”

“Out of tea?” A stunned voice cried out from over the fence. “We live in England how can you be out of tea?”

“Who’s there?” Sarah cried out. “Why are you listening in on our conversation?”

“My names Josie! We were on a bike ride and heard you talking.”

“Right well nosey Josie you can just keep on riding!”

“Don’t be rude.” Tom hushed her. “Can you come to the gate? We’re having a tea party!”

Sarah swatted at him. “We don’t need to invite the riff raff!”

Tom rolled his eyes and got up from his seat. He walked through the tall grass that hadn’t been cut in over two weeks. At first it appeared that, only one girl was present yet she used the pronoun “we.” He fiddled with the latch opening the gate letting her in. As she walked past, he turned to follow her only to be startled by the sweet soft voice that spoke.

“I’m Ann Marie. Everyone calls me Annie.”

He turned around leisurely gazing at the girl in front of him. Her hair was a blazing auburn hue her eyes were the same color as the sea in the painting that hung over the fireplace in their living room. They were splashed with specks of brown and it was easy to be lost in them. They reminded him of a galaxy somewhere far away that had not yet been discovered. Freckles lined the bridge of her nose and there was a small gap in her teeth. Even at 7 years old, Tom was taken with her.

“I’m Tom.”

“I like your boa.” She smiled flipping the feathers. “It goes nicely with your hat.”

He had forgotten all about what he was wearing. The blood rushed to his face giving him the appearance of a ripened tomato. “Um…my sister made me wear it. Come sit with us.”

Annie listened as Tom continued to tell the tale of how they met. He always came alive when he was telling stories his eyes lit up like fireworks. He also had a tendency to talk for hours, but she didn’t mind his voice was warm and soothing. She closed her eyes drifting off for only a second.

“How often does my mum come to visit you?”

She threw her eyes open alarmed at how quickly he changed the subject. “She comes every Tuesday afternoon. Is that a problem?”

“No I think it’s great. She always liked you. Most mothers don’t care for their daughter-in-law’s, but she admired you.”

“Probably because I was the only one who knew how to handle your ADD, by the way how is that?”

“Still bad my publicist says I am a pain in the arse.” He smiled. “But let’s not change the topic of conversation.”

“It really does bother you.”

“What do you even talk about? I mean we’ve been separated for the past what is it 6 years?”

“We talk about you of course and we talk about Grace.”

Tom took a deep breath. Why did everyone keep saying her name? They knew what it did to him and yet they threw it around as if it was nothing. Standing up he brushed the grass off the back of his pants and started the trek back to the Zest. He leaned up against its bright red hood his arms crossed over his chest. Annie caught up with him not exactly sure what to say. He always acted this way whenever they brought her up.

“I’m sorry. You asked and I told you. Would it make you feel better to know we only say nice things about you?”

“No because I know that’s not true.”

Tom’s mother had been extremely negative towards her son since he left his wife. It wasn’t proper the things he did, the fact that he ran off yet continued to string her along. This isn’t how she raised her son and she used every opportunity to let him know exactly how she felt about him.

“She’s just disappointed.”

“Of course she is and I can’t blame her.”

“She still has good things to say about you.”

He let out a soft chuckle. “Do you know what she thinks of me? Last Christmas when I stopped by, she called me the biggest piece of shit on the planet. She told me what I did to you was absolutely disgusting that she couldn’t believe she brought such a horrible human being into the world.”

Annie rolled her eyes. “Your mother loves you and she worries about you a lot. I know she can be a bit harsh, but since when do you listen to anything your mother says?”

“I listen when she’s right and she is.”

“Look at me.” She grabbed him tightly by the arm dragging him to face her. “You are not the biggest piece of shit on the planet…you’re only a little piece of shit…” Tom laughed. “…and you’re only disgusting when you pick your teeth at the dinner table and if you were such a horrible person I would have never married you.”

This was why he loved Annie. She could make him go from feeling like the worst person in the world to feeling loved and wanted. So many people wondered how he could just up and leave someone like her. Someone who clearly loved him with every fiber of her being someone who always saw the best in him, someone he was destined to be with from the first day they met. No one knew that he had good reason not even her. After all he did, she was always there for him. He leaned in and kissed her gently.

“I love you. I really do.”

She smiled up at him asking the same question she always did. “How much?” To which he replied.

“A lot a lot.”


End file.
